Friday, October 22, 2010
out of my life...
Packed up baby stuff in nursery today, or tried to. I want it out of my house and out of my life. If the one thing I'm asking for isn't possible, there is no reason why I am going to be tortured. I just want to know why. How could God be so cruel? What did I do to deserve this? Was I a bad child? Did I make someone angry or commit a crime and require punishment? What did I do that was so bad?...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My fault
Possible Reasons Why:
Maybe if I were a better wife: kept the kitchen clean instead of leaving it looking like a culinary bomb went off, did the laundry instead of letting him run out of boxers, made the bed more often instead of kicking a pile of books off the end and crawling into my nest for the night.
Maybe if I were smarter: If I had gotten better grades, learned more French, traveled more, done better in math instead of being convinced I couldn't do it, read more books, paid more attention, asked more questions.
Maybe if I were a better person: there are days when I want to reach across the counter and brain someone with a bottle of Mountain Dew. I have bad thoughts, evil thoughts, even though I never act on them, they are there, floating like jellyfish, waiting for a bad day to strike. I would never hurt anyone, but there are days when the urge to run an old person off the road...
Maybe if I were in better shape: it doesn't matter that I work out several times a week, I should have worked out harder, pushed more, added more weights, run farther through the woods, done 50 more reps, pushed up that next hill.
I don't know the reason why I lost our baby. I only know it is my fault, and nothing will ever change that. I destroyed the dreams of my husband and myself by losing our baby. I am a failure as a human being in an area that most people never have a problem with. Fuck genetics. I KNOW it is my fault because I did something wrong.
Maybe if I were a better wife: kept the kitchen clean instead of leaving it looking like a culinary bomb went off, did the laundry instead of letting him run out of boxers, made the bed more often instead of kicking a pile of books off the end and crawling into my nest for the night.
Maybe if I were smarter: If I had gotten better grades, learned more French, traveled more, done better in math instead of being convinced I couldn't do it, read more books, paid more attention, asked more questions.
Maybe if I were a better person: there are days when I want to reach across the counter and brain someone with a bottle of Mountain Dew. I have bad thoughts, evil thoughts, even though I never act on them, they are there, floating like jellyfish, waiting for a bad day to strike. I would never hurt anyone, but there are days when the urge to run an old person off the road...
Maybe if I were in better shape: it doesn't matter that I work out several times a week, I should have worked out harder, pushed more, added more weights, run farther through the woods, done 50 more reps, pushed up that next hill.
I don't know the reason why I lost our baby. I only know it is my fault, and nothing will ever change that. I destroyed the dreams of my husband and myself by losing our baby. I am a failure as a human being in an area that most people never have a problem with. Fuck genetics. I KNOW it is my fault because I did something wrong.
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